Fear of the unknown

Many years ago before I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I knew something was wrong and I went inside myself looking for the answers. I realized that I was overly pessimistic about a lot of things and had zero faith in what ever was around the corner in my life.  I became afraid of social interaction and relationships more than anything else but both my work and life were dominated by social interactions and relationships so I became pretty fucking miserable, although i tried my hardest not to show this. I went looking for the origins of this fear and I arrived at my childhood and upbringing; my family life.

At a young age I became afraid to go home from school and felt anxious when I was at home because of my parent's turbulent relationship was dogged by alcohol abuse and domestic violence.  I became used to anxiety, and because the cohesiveness of the family deteriorated over a whole decade I was subjected to persistent negativity; I had come to 'expect fear'....I feared what I was going home to and I knew for certain that's what I was going home to and so I guess you could say for me to fear and be anxious had become normal to me.

Because of their drinking habit I lost trust in my parents, the people who should have been my role models and so as I grew up I became critical of humans in general and found it difficult to trust anyone even those who were 'very' close to me. If you dont have faith in humans then you dont have faith in life and if you program yourself to fear then the path you walk down in life will likely be a narrow and dark tunnel. I carried this habit of 'expecting fear' into my adulthood. Fear had become a habit.

The habit even to this day has become embodied in my self, like a reflex, a fear reflex. I aim to explore here how I can challenge and change my negative perspectives, or what cognitive behavioural therapists refer to as schemas, ideas which cement how you see life, for me this is not just a lense but more like a set of frames....despite the fact that they are only a consequence of your experience and not in fact objectifiable reality, that is the experience of life outwith the negative ideas which have become cemented into ones(albeit negative in my case) consciousness.