Fear of the unknown

Many years ago before I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I knew something was wrong and I went inside myself looking for the answers. I realized that I was overly pessimistic about a lot of things and had zero faith in what ever was around the corner in my life.  I became afraid of social interaction and relationships more than anything else but both my work and life were dominated by social interactions and relationships so I became pretty fucking miserable, although i tried my hardest not to show this. I went looking for the origins of this fear and I arrived at my childhood and upbringing; my family life.

At a young age I became afraid to go home from school and felt anxious when I was at home because of my parent's turbulent relationship was dogged by alcohol abuse and domestic violence.  I became used to anxiety, and because the cohesiveness of the family deteriorated over a whole decade I was subjected to persistent negativity; I had come to 'expect fear'....I feared what I was going home to and I knew for certain that's what I was going home to and so I guess you could say for me to fear and be anxious had become normal to me.

Because of their drinking habit I lost trust in my parents, the people who should have been my role models and so as I grew up I became critical of humans in general and found it difficult to trust anyone even those who were 'very' close to me. If you dont have faith in humans then you dont have faith in life and if you program yourself to fear then the path you walk down in life will likely be a narrow and dark tunnel. I carried this habit of 'expecting fear' into my adulthood. Fear had become a habit.

The habit even to this day has become embodied in my self, like a reflex, a fear reflex. I aim to explore here how I can challenge and change my negative perspectives, or what cognitive behavioural therapists refer to as schemas, ideas which cement how you see life, for me this is not just a lense but more like a set of frames....despite the fact that they are only a consequence of your experience and not in fact objectifiable reality, that is the experience of life outwith the negative ideas which have become cemented into ones(albeit negative in my case) consciousness.

Just thinking, meditation and mindfulness

I was just thinking about the word 'meditation' and how it could be off putting for many people because it conjures images of eastern mysticism, shamans and yogis and for some, those images are synonymous with the supernatural 'airy fairynes', 'mumbo jumbo' or 'spiritual magic' and like the word 'depression', the idea of meditation is easy to disregard because of its un-quatifiable subjectivity.

Thankfully however for those who do not lend much faith to the spiritual methods of healing but are seeking mental and physical peace practice then  'mindfulness' methodologies for self healing provide an opportunity for this.

This is 'Jon Kabat-Zinn' providing a short explanation as to what mindfulness is.

There are some hour or so long video's available on youtube which go into more detail on the subject of mindfulness and I would encourage you to listen to them if your interested.

So mindfulness may sound commonsense as its practice encourages you to pay attention,  be aware and be honest about your feelings  but the truth is that many of us now live our lives in repetition; that is performing the tasks of work, life and habit in a rationalized manner so much so that we often forget to think(paying attention, being aware, resolving problems) because we dont really have too. Mindfulness simply encourages us to do this again whilst paying attention to our emotions in the process, paving the way for clarity, peace and happiness. Give yourself a hobby and start reading, thinking and practicing this kind of stuff.

Space for the mind

Depression comes and go's and is often sometimes worse than others; so when I find myself feeling particularly shite I feel that the right thing to do is get away from it all into the countryside or up into the hills. Geographically,  I'm fortunate enough to stay within about 3-4 miles from some decent countryside with some decent views of not only of fields, hills and forests but of the city as-well; especially the city in fact as il come to draw on shortly. We, in the west coast of Scotland are never really that far from the country side; If you live in Glasgow, the feet of the Campsie fells and Kilpatrick hills begin around 6-7 north-west of you and beyond these lie the trossachs and further beyond them lies the Loch Lomond national park whilst to the south west you have the 'Gleniffer braes country park' just beyond Paisley and further west you have 'Muirshiel country park' near Lochwinnoch.  These are local places where you can give your mind some space, away from the reality which might in fact be contributing to your minds condition.

When I walk away into the countryside or into the hills I become occupied with the present more than I normally would in the city world as my senses become attuned to the wilderness, my eyes gaze into the endless distance and depth of real nature whilst the wind and its impact on the land occupies most of what I hear…this is the here and now, the real reality for me.

When I look back at the city in the distant I become aware that I am detached from the structures of modern reality , ......buildings, workplaces, traffic and indeed time; these are all modern constructs that our senses constantly have to contend with, especially if we work and live in the city. These modern constructs are the objects of our anxieties. The city is excessive, hyperactive and man made,whilst nature is simply eternal, has always been there and always will be and holds secrets we will never know; knowing this as I look back down towards the city reminds me that we are not here for very long in the grand scale of things and I always find this enlightening.

Find a space where you can stare into the distance, breathe and realize that time means nothing, all you are is what you are and where you are is there and then. Break from the norm, get out, get away and give your mind some space, your not that far from nature are you.

Depression; A nasty word.

Readings on depression are hardly happy readings but depression is a reality that many experience in silence because for non-sufferers depression can be seen as something which is vague, subjective and un-measurable and therefore does not bode well in the current world we live in because the world we live in values more than anything else, that which is rational and can be quantified or measured. Consider your workplace for example where you are likely to spend half of your waking life; work demands that we follow procedures and systems within time-frames either set by others or set by ourselves, none the less everything the majority of us do in our work is somehow measured and is physically observable, is material and is real.

For many this rationality of putting things and actions of our working life into boxes is easy and indeed good because it is tidy and understandable but do we carry this thought process into our natural thinking lives? and does this have a detrimental impact on how we view subjective concepts such as depression I wonder?

Depression as I have mentioned cannot truly be rationalized or quantified and so it is so often subject to criticism, often tarnished as a form of 'laziness' or indeed an individuals behavioral 'choice'. This I believe is because its simply easier for those who do not understand depression to do this and this to some extent irks back to what Im saying about rationality; It seems it may be easier for people to attach subjective concepts such as depression to pre-existing meanings such as 'laziness' or 'choice' rather than try to understand the complexities of depression. This is something which cognitive dissonance psychology may help explain, but that itself is something I will return to at a later time in this blog.

The reality is that we simply 'all' do not have time in our lives to understand the dynamics of depression and that is why many people may come across as ignorant or indifferent towards issues of depression, we cant after all know everything can we.

The sad fact remains however that depression is something which is commonly associated with weakness and this unfortunate truth in turn can have a further negative impact on a sufferers sense of self, self esteem and ultimately biological well-being, further contributing to the problems continuity within the suffering individual.

My main motivation for typing into this blog is because I have suffered from depression; a horrible word which carries with it many negative connotations.  A horrible word it may be but it is still a word, a collection of letters on a page or a phonic sound from the lungs then face, either or, it is a word which we all at some point heard or read about, meaning little to some, something to others and a lot to me and the many who have suffered.  It's not something that I dwell on although there was a period in my life when I had to as I sought answers as to 'why?' I was suffering.

The fact that people with depression do in fact have to 'think themselves out of depression' in looking for their answers may help contribute to the bad press that depression get's within the social milieu and may even help circulate and cement perceptions such as that which suggests people with depression are just 'feeling sorry for themselves' justified by the fact that those who suffer from depression often carry a down trodden, tired and fearful comportment which could be viewed by some as 'pityfull' whilst underneath this tired outer shell likely exists a confused and exhausted being trying to navigate their way through the complex and uncertain avenues in their mind, wondering who they are and what the 'self'' is.

Worse still and to add to the exhaustion are the many facades sufferers put on to save social face and maintain their own sense of self and live up to how they believe others see them. These un-realities only wear the sufferer out further, pretending its ok, consuming energy 'acting' when the energy should be utilized finding the deeper answers to their problem. I say 'Their' but i am in fact really speaking from my own experience, but in writing this way I hope to speak out to others and hope that they can find identification with what I am saying.

Raison D'etre

For some life is simple, for others it is diffucult.  I wish to explore here the space between these two binaries, considering mainly how external social dynamics and internal psychological dynamics impact our well being/mental health.  In a nutshell, without sounding too complex or academic, I want to unfold who I am, who we are and what the world is.....vague I know; but so is all that we know or at least what we think we know.

I will focus mainly on the subject of 'depression' as I myself have been prone to bouts of this over recent years, but I will also pay particular attention to the mind, behavior, happiness, habit, culture, society and every sub-category which falls within each of these domains of thought. Each post will be a 'WORK IN PROGRESS'.

I will be flexible thoughout and will attempt at best to be non biased and will work from the viewpoint that science, thought, history, perception and all that seems solid are always subject to change therfore so are our realities and indeed ourselves.

Ps. Thought id use 'Raison D'etre' cos when I think of myself saying it I envision myself as some kinda 'bennedict cumberbatch' thespian who can get away with saying shit like that and that makes me giggle cos im totaly not that.  None the less it sounds like it matters and for me, all this does so im sticking with 'Raison D'etre'. Excellent